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Now. This is the thing. It would help greatly if I could tell what this fox is thinking but I cannot. He is absolutely impossible to decipher, which is possibly part of his appeal.

Annnyyyway.

It would help if he were VOCAL about his thoughts, feelings, etc. Especially with regards to me, and our relationship. Because he isn't, so I don't know. And because I naturally have shit self-esteem, I believe he thinks I'm not that great but I'll do, as though I'm filling a void and am doing an okay job at it.... It's probably true but I want him to tell me it isn't, and that he at

So the effect his exes have on this conundrum..

First one - Jess - is friends with his friends.. and from what I've heard, a lovely girl, despite the fact she seems like a twat on her myspace. But myspace is gay so she may indeed be a lovely girl.

I have no idea how much he liked her, if he was in love, how deep the relationship was, how long it lasted...

All I know is that it ended abruptly and for a stupid reason. Therefore there's the killer "unfinished business" aspect to it.. In my mind anyway. He claims he doesn't give a fuck; maybe true.

Now she is very fucking pretty. And she is really fucking trve and cool and all that shit that I am not.





Second one - some Polish girl - again I know nothing other than it lasted 4 years and she was slightly retarded according to Alexandra. But it lasted 4 fucking years... He loved her, obviously.





Third one - Ludo - this girl seemed alright when I met her and I would never have guessed they had a thing... Short-lived though, so he says. She is again cool and pretty and everything I'm not. My concern with her was that he said he liked her because he - I QUOTE - "liked talking to her a lot" - and he never seems to "like talking to me a lot". I mean he does but it's different. It's as though there's something missing with me that he had with this Italian whore.

Anyway.


All of this is compounded by his inability to display anything of what he is thinking. I actually wonder if anybody knows what goes on in his mind, if even he knows/understands. 

I'm also getting worried about whether or not we will break up when I'm at uni because if he doesn't really like me all that much as I suspect, he may get bored and want to go out with someone else.... I KNOW I will have fun at uni, and I know I could meet someone else, but I honestly don't want to.

Oh well. That's all I have to say, this hasn't really solved anything or made anything clearer to me; however I hope that in another 21 weeks I'll look at it and have an alternate perspective.. Although I don't think in 21 years I will ever really know what's going on in Andy's lovely hot bald head. Sad really =[

Plan for now:
Eat, sleep, find job. Goodnight <3.

Right so 21 weeks since updated. That's a good amount of time, because a lot happens, but only the relevant shit filters through in your memory. This is very useful in avoiding non-entri-ties [see what I did thur].

Moving swiftly along.

Let us see...

January - Peninsula rejection. Got super depressed. Started taking codeine. Started cutting. Recurring thoughts of jumping off tall things. Haven't really felt un-depressed since then.

February - Starting to go off Michal, due to focussing on doing well at college. Super hard studying. Started hanging out with friends at college, I finally have a study-centred social life again.

March - College was going well, I was getting so annoyed with James. Found him soooooooo incredibly unattractive, didn't even want to give him the tiniest kiss. Everything about him was unappealing, boring, unexciting, hippyish, happy, just... not for me. So we broke up and he took it reasonably well.

UNCONDITIONAL OFFER FROM UEA!!!!! FOR MEDICINAL CHEM.

April - Even with unconditional, studying going well. Did well in mocks. Still on codeine. Andy from 3 years ago showed up one day at work, thought he was fit as hell. Wondered if he liked me for most of this month. We went to Pestilence where I saw Mateusz & Michal & the other one I always forget. Like old times.
Was good.
Slept out for the first time. Big trouble.

May - Birthday was... hm.. Amara came back into my life. Wasn't bad at the time. Spent the rest of my birthday weekend with Andy and it was great but I thought he didn't like me. Confusion, codeine, revising and getting in trouble was the rest of May.

June - By this time me and Andy were going out. Still doubted he liked me really but thought he must a little. Stopped taking codeine, stopped cutting. Study was all I was thinking about for most of this month.. Even Andy took a back seat. Exams went well. Insomnia after they ended, so had to get codeine again...

July - Not much other than Andy having lost his job, got a crappier one and is now always broke... which is really starting to affect me in some ways... Won't bring it up as I know he doesn't need the stress.. But it is..
Went out with Michal once.. He is so fit, and he clearly wanted to "do things" with me. But I am not a slut and I resisted... But I still like him... Bad bad bad. I told Andy but he didn't care. Mad jealous about his exes. I am just not as cool, pretty or interesting as they are (I will write about this in detail next post.....***)

August - So far, excitement about uni, waiting for Andy to be able to come out with me again. Getting bored of having a broke boyfriend, wonderful as he is.
Results: ??????? New job: ????????

September - Need to buy: a macbook, lilash, new shoes, new jeans, some tops, books, pay for halls... Move in to halls... Freshers week!!!!!!! AAAHHH!!! Cannot wait.

That's about it.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/1003/KarmaPearl/Funny%20gifs%20and%20macros/wapvly.gif

LOL omg.

In other news, I didn't do well on U4, I got rejected, I am doing radiotherapy and oncology at Hertforshire (Warwick's approval depending), and avoiding NMM and the med forums until 2011 when I apply.

GAMSAT doesn't look too bad - in any case, Warwick want a degree and don't consider A-levels (wish I'd known that before I bothered resitting... but wouldn't have been good to place all my hopes on the most competitive GEM programme in the country)


So probably going to get AAB / AAA, A*A*AAAAAAAABBC, ? UKCAT  - aim for 670+ as a Warwick safety zone [graduates tend to do better statistically, that's why it's so high apparently], and 65%+ in the GAMSAT and hey presto!

I have to look up. Recurring thoughts of "oh wouldn't it be nice to just get run over right now" must be banished. Only way to do that is to complete the above steps.

I'll be finished when I'm 27 :/ complete F2 when I'm 29, then probably spend a year travelling and living abroad.
Then I'll return and start working.. No plans for kiddies etc in the 30s so :/
I DO want to be with James, that's all I can really say.

As of now, my life is really quite over.

user: axedstoninst

"#1:system of a down
#2:combichrist
#3:papa roach
#4:nirvana
best bands EVER"

user: palmtree456
"you are a disgrace"

Lol.

I've been watching tonnes of Fonejacker^ because I'm so fucking sad.

Worst day of 2009 so far.

I won't go into it because I don't want to dwell... intense bio revision starts tonight (a bit of core), continues all day tomorrow (Andy's stuff), all Sunday (more Andy's), Monday & Tuesday core questions, Weds, Andy's q's.

Thursday afternoon, Bio.
b& from tsr to try to work!
http://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showpost.php?p=16582797&postcount=7324

I haven't had a cig in a while.... Since January 1st to be exact.

I'm not trying to quit - nor do I want to (yet) - I just haven't had the opportunity to. Now I'm too tired to go.

In other news I REALLY NEED TO DO SOME WORK TOMORROW.... By some I mean loads

>.<

Just when I was really happy about having a great NYE and preparing to do some hard work for the weekend,
I find out these annoying cousins are coming over tomorrow.

I've been told to lie to them and say I'm on a gap year getting work experience.

This just fucking ruined my 2009 already. I cannot stand my extended family. These cousins and I are not even related by blood, can't they just fuck off????

>;[

L to tha O L.

So I had the best New Year's Eve + New Year's Day in my living memory :)

At around 16.00, plans had changed and Karolina hadn't responded to my texts. So I was like 89% certain I Wouldn't be heading to Slimelight - would not go by myself or with just Anna......

No fucking way.

So I texted James a "sadface" and he called back and I moaned a little then he said I could come over if I wanted.
Went over, bought some (crap & cheap) Vodka on the way and redbulls. And then I got to his, chilled for a while, hung with Anne Marie for a while, she's cooler than I thought.. The little I know of her.
Then we went to the 491 Gallery (all this shit happened in Leytonstone) and saw this band called The Skints who were fantastic, even though I don't really like "ska punk" - it's a dingy little place but awesome vibes.
And at least you can smoke ;)

Then the dj started shortly before midnight and James and I danced and danced :D He played Pendulum's Voodoo People which I was very fucking happy about. I danced until I thought I might die of dehydration, then I danced some more :D

 Yeah it was a good, good night. Had a wee bit too much wine so we headed back earlier than I liked around 2am.
And I had a great night/morning..
Then I came home and my room had been tidied up, all spotless 'n' shiz, and there was Nando's sitting about.. Niiiice.

I have to get straight into revising hardcore tomorrow, though.
At least 5 hours a day for the 3 weeks......
Yes 5.

Gap year plan.

-I will work Saturdays and Sundays in Camden, still blowing bubbles.
-I will work Tuesday to Friday in the lab at King's Hospital (if I get that job, hopefully... if not, then in the ward)
( Gap Year Plan )

Having a gapyear could be a good thing... if Karolina wants to spend most of it with me, it definately will be.
This is all the while during my third and final application to PMS, BSMS, UEA, UCL and UCL again for biomed. And if I don't get in, I'll finally go on an alternate path.

I've abandoned my blogspot because somebody found it. I'm retarded for using my real name for it, anyway.

( tl;dr )

Time waits for no fucking man.

is to die.

Please.
Somebody.
Something.
Just kill me.

I just spoke to James about us wanting different things - him wanting me to do more for the relationship and for him (totally fair, he is no way at all asking for too much) and me wanting to pretty much not be in an emotional/committed relationship.

I don't even know if I would want to, if I could. I doubt it, not right now and not with him....

He was nice about it, he wasn't hurt or anything - I think he knew anyway.

He suggested an "armistice" between now and mid/end January, where we will talk as normal on the phone as friends etc. Sounds good; this is a sign that he is willing to remain friends with me without being relationshippy.

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